The Stepford Wives Got Nothin’ on Herbie

Here’s one I’ve actually been working on for a couple of days.  Without getting too disturbing with the content, I try to get the most interesting and remarkable (and funny –let’s not forget funny) material I can find.  When I came across this story, I knew I couldn’t simply let it pass, but I honestly wasn’t exactly sure where to start or how to structure the entry.  In the end, I decided this confession would be as a good a way to open as any.  Hope you like the story.

Edward Smith was recently the subject of a documentary aired on English television.  He’s from Washington State here in the US and he’s a lot like the average guy.  Edward collects cars and really loves and enjoys them.

Also like the average guy, Edward has a tendency to love and enjoy cars he doesn’t own.  Well, we can’t all own every car we admire, right?  Edward’s appreciation isn’t limited to simply cars, of course.  He enjoys many kinds of vehicles, especially helicopters.

Perhaps less like the average guy –particularly one who’s into cars-, Edward’s last relationship with a woman was 12 years ago.  Edward is not gay, he simply reports that he’s not attracted to women or men, -just cars… and some helicopters…

Edward is what’s referred to as a mechaphiliac.  That is, he enjoys engaging in sexual activities with cars and other machines.  He supposedly ‘fell in love’ –meaning he had sex- with his first car at the age of 15.  He also reports that he will literally pull over to the side of the road when he sees a lonely, lovely car and give it a little attention.

The article actually includes a slide show of Edward exhibiting his affection for these machines.  The very first of these pictures shows Edward licking the back side of a car while fondling its tail pipe.  No, I’m not joshing you even a little bit here.

You don’t need to feel bad for Edward, he doesn’t say that he’s lonely and he’s not asking for anyone’s sympathy.  In fact, he insists that he’s not hurting anyone (Really?!  What about the person who discovers the residual sticky mess he surely leaves behind?) and he’s not alone.  Edward is actually part of a global community of 500 people who prefer this type of ‘love’.

Go ahead and read the article.  It’s quite interesting and includes specific examples of the ‘affairs’ he’s had with different vehicles over the years, including the helicopter from the TV show, Airwolf.

Finished reading?  OK, let me indulge in a little editorial now, if I may. 

Can we all just get a grip, for crying out loud?  This is a story which, like many others, decides to go ahead and redefine the English vocabulary for the sake of sensationalism.  Certainly it’s a crazy-ass story –there’s no denying that- but there’s no ‘love’ going on here anymore than I ever loved a particularly attractive piece of paper at the center of Playboy magazine.  Loving someone or something the way this guy claims to love his cars implies that there’s some love coming from the other end.  This guy has a rather simple relationship with his machines.  Oh!  There I go redefining words myself.  There’s no relationship at all going on here.

For that matter, I think this guy’s cutesy little fetish is a great deal farther removed.  I love my wife but while I may be able to influence my wife’s behaviors and decisions, I have nothing approaching absolute control over her.  Likewise, my research shows that I can’t make a piece of paper do diddly-squat.  This guy on the other hand is supposedly ‘in love’ with things that are ultimately nothing more than extensions of himself.  At the end of the day, this guy can get in and have these objects of his affection react to his every whim with complete predictability.  I hate to say it, but I have the same degree of control over my hand and its 5 fingers.  I like my wife a bit more.

I won’t carry on any farther with this except to say that I’ll support this guy’s right to enjoy his fantasies, but that’s all they are.  Edward, if I ever catch you fantasizing with my car, I’ll treat you the way I did when I caught my best friend enjoying my Playboys.  He never messed with my stuff again.

Sources:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2000899/Man-admits-having-sex-with-1000-cars.html

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2001236/The-man-who-has-sex-with-cars.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1188650/Thousands-marauding-caterpillars-trap-car-silky-web.html